Saturday, November 28, 2015
Friday, November 20, 2015
For whoever still reads, I'm going to use this blog as a regular diary as well as a dream diary now. Both of those will most likely intertwine.
For awhile, my dreams that I can remember are nightmares. The most recent one was where I was taking care of a close friend and my dog. They developed a condition where their bones slowly became brittle and then and some point, it was impossible to make any sort of physical contact without breaking them. It was an awful feeling, to know that I couldn't hold her in my arms. To know that my embrace would destroy her or my dog.
Those dreams aside... Something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just immature. Maybe something's broken. Who knows, I don't care enough to find out. Lately, I feel like I'm disconnected. Like my emotions are escaping me. Except for a few... Madness, anger, hatred, whatever you want to call it. It seethes, it burns, it rages. On a positive note, it drives me. I become stronger, I become faster, I improve in a lot of different aspects. But at the end of the day, I lie awake at night burning fiercely. It doesn't matter if I'm tired or not, I feel its intensity, a beast seeking its next target. To try and shut it off, I exercise extremely hard and study until my mind's fried thinking, maybe I'll just tire out. But here I am wasting away in the night, restless.
I wonder... When was it that I started doing things this way? Pouring my one, strong emotion into my life. It feels like its been this way forever. Especially when I was first starting out exercising. I hated myself. Weak, obese, useless filth of a human being. Good for nothing, undisciplined fool. Everyday was a battle. It still is. Exercise is supposed to be a way of relieving stress, right? Maybe not for me. I spend so many passing moments wanting a stronger body. I'm never satisfied with what I've got. Always wanting more. I call it training, but what exactly am I training for? Sure there's things like getting healthier, or preparing for that bodyguard physical test, but why do I yearn so much to be a... monster? I don't have a solid answer for myself or anyone else.
Eventually the sleeping pills will kick in and I'll stop typing. Dunno how many I took. Doesn't matter, it needs to do its job.