Saturday, November 28, 2015

Fire

Everyday, I feel like I'm burning, blazing, roaring with flames. But I never crumble away.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Uneasy Feeling

For whoever still reads, I'm going to use this blog as a regular diary as well as a dream diary now. Both of those will most likely intertwine.

For awhile, my dreams that I can remember are nightmares. The most recent one was where I was taking care of a close friend and my dog. They developed a condition where their bones slowly became brittle and then and some point, it was impossible to make any sort of physical contact without breaking them. It was an awful feeling, to know that I couldn't hold her in my arms. To know that my embrace would destroy her or my dog.

Those dreams aside... Something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just immature. Maybe something's broken. Who knows, I don't care enough to find out. Lately, I feel like I'm disconnected. Like my emotions are escaping me. Except for a few... Madness, anger, hatred, whatever you want to call it. It seethes, it burns, it rages. On a positive note, it drives me. I become stronger, I become faster, I improve in a lot of different aspects. But at the end of the day, I lie awake at night burning fiercely. It doesn't matter if I'm tired or not, I feel its intensity, a beast seeking its next target. To try and shut it off, I exercise extremely hard and study until my mind's fried thinking, maybe I'll just tire out. But here I am wasting away in the night, restless. 

I wonder... When was it that I started doing things this way? Pouring my one, strong emotion into my life. It feels like its been this way forever. Especially when I was first starting out exercising. I hated myself. Weak, obese, useless filth of a human being. Good for nothing, undisciplined fool. Everyday was a battle. It still is. Exercise is supposed to be a way of relieving stress, right? Maybe not for me. I spend so many passing moments wanting a stronger body. I'm never satisfied with what I've got. Always wanting more. I call it training, but what exactly am I training for? Sure there's things like getting healthier, or preparing for that bodyguard physical test, but why do I yearn so much to be a... monster? I don't have a solid answer for myself or anyone else.

Eventually the sleeping pills will kick in and I'll stop typing. Dunno how many I took. Doesn't matter, it needs to do its job.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Next Cycle

This is a dream I vaguely remember having a few times before. But this is the first time I remember it so clearly...

Me and a group of friends are traveling in some kind of war zone. We were trying to get to safety, G was leading the way. According to P, the country's name was Fearsy (I have no idea how to spell this, it's just how it sounded like), and we were in a shopping district. Odd name, I think. Anyways, the dream started as usual. This is around the time inside the dream when I started to recognize and remember things. Our group entered a small mall. What happens at the start is that I get a little distracted at something in a wall, and get separated from the group. Then when I try to get back, there are two thugs or bandits or whatever in the way. They don't notice me, but they are stalking out my friends. What happened before is that I would quietly follow the two thugs and try get rid of them somehow. This time, I grabbed a stick and smacked the backsides of their heads.

I remember this next part being very bloody in previous dreams, but not this time. There was an area full of mines. It was kind of like replaying the same area of a video game. I knew which spots to avoid and how to walk around the place. E and G said it was bullshit that I knew that there were landmines littering the place.

Even though this is the first time I remember this dream so clearly, there are still parts I just don't remember, so I'm going to skip on to the last part, the part I remember most.

Our group made it to safety, and we were sitting down at a table to eat. We were exhausted and hungry from the (probably long?) journey. It was like a small fortress that was owned by both P and G. At my side of the table, I was chatting with S and E. I was trying to tell them that I remember this place, I remember going through the areas. It was around here I think I said, "I remember this dream."

There was a bit of silence. Then I asked S, "Hey, if I know this is a dream, you think it's possible you're here dreaming this thing too, maybe you've also had this dream?" S replies, "I dunno, I'm not good at remembering things sometimes. But uh... Oh yeah, now I remember this dream." Something about that response bothered me, and I said back to him, "Fuck you, how do you only start remembering a dream, AT THE END OF A DREAM?"

Then a facebook message notification from my phone woke me up