Thursday, May 15, 2014

Weak

I was in a grass field which stretched out for miles. Every around me was just more and more grass. Ahead of me were some of my friends. They were having a good time. It looked like they were having a small part. I could see J, S, and G over by a grill cooking. E, M, and X were chatting. P was making some phone calls while making some motions over to N and A. For the first time, I saw K in my dream. She was working on something while chatting with everyone else. I wanted to join them, but all of them were so far away. There was quite a distance between me and everyone else, so I started walking towards them.

It seemed like the gap wasn't closing. The group was still far away from me. So I started running, sprinting even. I distinctly remember the grass beneath my feet feeling oddly soft as my steps kicked grass up behind me. Suddenly, I feel a hand grab me wrist and it stops me dead in my tracks. I turn towards the person who grabbed me and saw myself. It wasn't just myself, it was who I used to be. Someone who didn't talk much, a person that was overweight and unhealthy, a person who had no goals or ambitions. Everything about myself that I changed or tried to get past over the years was standing right in front of me holding me back from reaching my friends. He stared at me with cold, dead eyes and said, "Remember that you are weak." After hearing those words, the grass all around me started to wither away and die. I looked back over to where my friends were and they were gone. The old me was gone as well. He left a hand print shaped bruise on my left arm where he grabbed me. I woke up after wandering aimlessly in these dead plains of grass.

2 comments:

  1. I have a similar vision, something close to dream a lot. It's not the same as yours of course. But my version usually involves the old me stabbing myself in the back with a dagger that's chained to him. There's usually a purple butterfly out of reach, and my friends walk ahead their backs turned towards me as I fall behind. It gets pretty traumatic because sometimes I run forward trying to yell but my voice won't come. I get close to touching my friends, only to get yanked back by the knife and chain.

    I've had a long time to think about it as a result. Hopefully maybe I can impart some of the things I thought about to you if you'd like to keep reading this comment. Sorry if it's too long.

    The old you, just like the old me is still a part of you. In a way they will always be a part of you. But I think that maybe that's not a bad thing. Even though all the things we were can be almost frightening to look at. But the old you *is* you. Even more so, the old you is the you that decided to become who you are today. They decided to start your adventure. I know that my old self was weak and scared, so scared. But that's why I now can see that even with all the things against him, he still decided to make the first step, and the next, and the next. The old you did that too, and that's why you're so awesome today. The old you is the one I became friends with. He did have ambitions, he just didn't realize them yet, and he always had the ambition to become who you are today, you wouldn't be here if he didn't. Give him some credit :).

    Sometimes I really believe that my old self is terrified that I'll forget the lessons I learned when I was him. That he needs to keep reminding me, just in case. The old me likes to back stab me in my dreams. He doesn't trust me yet, and I don't trust him. He'll try to take advantage if I falter, when I falter.

    I tried fighting him, and I tried ignoring him. But the truth is, that he's me. He'll be a part of me. I think the next step for me is that I need to learn to trust him. I need to learn to turn my back to him, to his time and trust he'll take care of it and that he's got my back. Now that might sound funny, but I think what has made me weak all this time is not that I couldn't beat him. But that I couldn't trust him because I was too weak to handle things if he did untrustworthy things.

    I'm scared he'll back stab me, so in a way I create a self fulfilling prophecy. I don't trust him, so he doesn't trust me. When I can turn my back to him and just walk forward, simply entrusting my past to him. If I simply respect him, befriend him and trust him, I think things will be better.

    The last thing I'd like to say is something that might be a bit hard. And I don't mean to insult if I do. But maybe your old self in your dream is right? Maybe you do need to remember that you are weak. And not to put yourself down either! It's important to remember that we are weak, because we are. *Everyone* is. I truly believe the difference between the ones we call strong, and the ones we call weak is instead that the weak don't keep going on. The strong keep moving in spite of their weaknesses. It's not that they've conquered them, defeated them. It's that they respect their weaknesses, and are aware of them. A strong person isn't someone who doesn't have weaknesses, it's someone who has overcome their weaknesses. Just like a courageous person is one who moves in spite of fear, rather than one who doesn't not feel fear.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've really looked up to heroes in anime, comics, and games. And what has always inspired me about them is not their prowess. But the fact that even with all their powers and abilities, they never look down on the weak. They don't see themselves above the weak. They think about people as people and themselves as ways to help them. They're the kind of guys who beat the crap out of villains and then say they should join their party because they understand their pain. That's who I want to be. I want to beat the crap out of my shadow and then reach my hand out to him when he's on the ground to let him up and say "We'll do this together". I hope you can do the same with your old self too.

    In many ways you're much stronger than I am. I still struggle, I'm still chained to that shadow. I've released a lot of the locks, but the chains are still there. I fight almost everyday. I know what you wrote here was just a dream or a nightmare. But I believe that dreams can be revelations, which is why I respect what you write in this blog to this day. We don't talk much, but you've been my friend for a long time. And I've only had the utmost respect for you. I hope that doesn't ever change. If there's anyone who can befriend the weak instead of conquering the weak, it's you.

    Maybe we need to say: "Remember that you are weak, and that's what makes you strong."

    ReplyDelete