Saturday, November 28, 2015

Fire

Everyday, I feel like I'm burning, blazing, roaring with flames. But I never crumble away.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Uneasy Feeling

For whoever still reads, I'm going to use this blog as a regular diary as well as a dream diary now. Both of those will most likely intertwine.

For awhile, my dreams that I can remember are nightmares. The most recent one was where I was taking care of a close friend and my dog. They developed a condition where their bones slowly became brittle and then and some point, it was impossible to make any sort of physical contact without breaking them. It was an awful feeling, to know that I couldn't hold her in my arms. To know that my embrace would destroy her or my dog.

Those dreams aside... Something's wrong with me. Maybe I'm just immature. Maybe something's broken. Who knows, I don't care enough to find out. Lately, I feel like I'm disconnected. Like my emotions are escaping me. Except for a few... Madness, anger, hatred, whatever you want to call it. It seethes, it burns, it rages. On a positive note, it drives me. I become stronger, I become faster, I improve in a lot of different aspects. But at the end of the day, I lie awake at night burning fiercely. It doesn't matter if I'm tired or not, I feel its intensity, a beast seeking its next target. To try and shut it off, I exercise extremely hard and study until my mind's fried thinking, maybe I'll just tire out. But here I am wasting away in the night, restless. 

I wonder... When was it that I started doing things this way? Pouring my one, strong emotion into my life. It feels like its been this way forever. Especially when I was first starting out exercising. I hated myself. Weak, obese, useless filth of a human being. Good for nothing, undisciplined fool. Everyday was a battle. It still is. Exercise is supposed to be a way of relieving stress, right? Maybe not for me. I spend so many passing moments wanting a stronger body. I'm never satisfied with what I've got. Always wanting more. I call it training, but what exactly am I training for? Sure there's things like getting healthier, or preparing for that bodyguard physical test, but why do I yearn so much to be a... monster? I don't have a solid answer for myself or anyone else.

Eventually the sleeping pills will kick in and I'll stop typing. Dunno how many I took. Doesn't matter, it needs to do its job.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Next Cycle

This is a dream I vaguely remember having a few times before. But this is the first time I remember it so clearly...

Me and a group of friends are traveling in some kind of war zone. We were trying to get to safety, G was leading the way. According to P, the country's name was Fearsy (I have no idea how to spell this, it's just how it sounded like), and we were in a shopping district. Odd name, I think. Anyways, the dream started as usual. This is around the time inside the dream when I started to recognize and remember things. Our group entered a small mall. What happens at the start is that I get a little distracted at something in a wall, and get separated from the group. Then when I try to get back, there are two thugs or bandits or whatever in the way. They don't notice me, but they are stalking out my friends. What happened before is that I would quietly follow the two thugs and try get rid of them somehow. This time, I grabbed a stick and smacked the backsides of their heads.

I remember this next part being very bloody in previous dreams, but not this time. There was an area full of mines. It was kind of like replaying the same area of a video game. I knew which spots to avoid and how to walk around the place. E and G said it was bullshit that I knew that there were landmines littering the place.

Even though this is the first time I remember this dream so clearly, there are still parts I just don't remember, so I'm going to skip on to the last part, the part I remember most.

Our group made it to safety, and we were sitting down at a table to eat. We were exhausted and hungry from the (probably long?) journey. It was like a small fortress that was owned by both P and G. At my side of the table, I was chatting with S and E. I was trying to tell them that I remember this place, I remember going through the areas. It was around here I think I said, "I remember this dream."

There was a bit of silence. Then I asked S, "Hey, if I know this is a dream, you think it's possible you're here dreaming this thing too, maybe you've also had this dream?" S replies, "I dunno, I'm not good at remembering things sometimes. But uh... Oh yeah, now I remember this dream." Something about that response bothered me, and I said back to him, "Fuck you, how do you only start remembering a dream, AT THE END OF A DREAM?"

Then a facebook message notification from my phone woke me up

Monday, December 8, 2014

Another Arcade

I was at some big arcade with E, J, S, and P. I separated from our group for a bit to walk around. I saw tons of game machines that I hadn't seen in years, alongside plenty of more recent ones. For example, I saw an arcade cabinet of Rival Schools. Now, I wasn't thinking about this in the dream, but thinking about it now, yep, that was a dream. Arcade cabinets of Rival Schools basically don't exist anymore. That's impossible (no it's not). I also saw arcade cabinets for things that are probably not supposed to be arcade games. I saw Pokemon, and wondered, "Why?" Pokemon's not exactly something you play for a few minutes. But there were other outlandish things there too...

I spotted P at a gun dueling game. The idea was that the machine tracked your movements so you could dodge bullets. There's a game like this called Too Spicy, but this dream gun dueling game was different. Well, by one part. A part that probably shouldn't exist. In between rounds, the screen would flash the words 'DRINK UP' in colorful, big letters, and then a compartment within the machine would open up and dispense a small cup of beer. According to P, on extreme mode it dispenses shots. I left him to continue his duels.

Next, I found J. J was playing beat'em up. It was flashy and a little generic looking, but it seemed fun. But I started noticing something about the game. So, in beat'em games, you usually find items lying around to pick up. Like weapons or food to recover your health. In the game J was playing, every single item was KNIVES. Apparently it was also one of those games that gave you tickets. But I didn't see tickets coming out of the side of the machine. To the left of J's seat, there were knives piling up instead of tickets (At arcades, tickets are usually used to exchange for prizes). Looked like he was doing pretty well in game and wasn't taking damage, so I left him. Maybe he'd get a high score or something.

Last, I found E and S at some kind of... I don't really know what kind of game that was. There were lots of dogs. E called over to me, "Come over here, you have to see this!" and so I did. S briefly explained to me what the game was about, but for some reason, I didn't understand anything that was being said. Imagine hearing a language you've never heard before. Then E interrupted him and said, "Look!" and pushed a button on the machine. Some lights flashed, and a small door in the machine opened up. A puppy walked out, grew wings, and then flew away. "I don't understand." I said aloud.

Then I woke up.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Return

I was wandering around school for a while before deciding to sit down at the cafeteria. It wasn't too lively that day. I studied for a little while and time had passed. It was starting to get dark. I look around for a bit while taking a break and see E. I wave over to her, and she comes over. "Hi, did you miss me?" she asks. "Well yeah, but weren't we just chatting online last night?" I reply. She smiles and blinks twice while putting her hand into her coat pocket. "No, no, no. Did you miss me?" she says. Then she takes her hand out of the pocket revealing a stun gun and hits me in the neck with it.

Then I woke up.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Dreaming On

I was standing in an old electronics store. The place seemed kind of familiar, and I remember why as I am writing this. I've been here before (in another dream). In front of me were a display of TVs. Each of them showing a memory of something I did with friends that was either another dream or something that actually happened. Looking at all of them, I noticed one of them was broken. I walked over to it and stared at it. In a room full of TVs displaying memories, would a broken TV be a forgotten one?

A little while passed, and the broken one turned itself on. At first it was static, but then a person showed up. He was wearing a suit, had black, slicked back hair, and was faceless. I remember meeting him in another dream... He punched through the screen and crawled out of it. He stood up in front of me and brushed broken glass off of his suit and turned to me. "How did it feel to stop dreaming?" he asked. I didn't know what to answer him with. "I believe this belongs to you." the faceless man took something out of his pocket and handed it over to me. It was a key. Things are a little hard to remember beyond this point. The last thing I remember him saying was, "Please refrain from becoming lost."

Then I woke up.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Play

I was at a bar with E. Apparently this was her idea. We sat down at a table and chatted for awhile. And then came the drinks. I ordered one, and then E decided it would be a good idea to order five. "Hey, do you really think that's a good idea? I thought you said your tolerance wasn't great." She responded by laughing and nothing else. Her drinks were served by the waitress one-by-one. And one-by-one, E downed each cocktail quickly. I took a look around the bar for a bit and noticed it was also an arcade. Somewhere towards the back, I spot S standing at an arcade cabinet with a line forming around him. I guess he had a win streak going on. I look back to E and her face is rosy. That aside, she had no other signs of being intoxicated. She got up and ran off. I quickly pay for our bill and try to find her.

The arcade section of the bar was a lot bigger than I thought it was. I couldn't find E, so I went to go say hello to S. I decided against it. I looked at the arcade screen from the back of the crowd, and the screen displayed 78 wins. So decided to keep looking for E. When I did, I found her at a racing game. She may not have been acting drunk, but her driving in that video game sure was. Maybe the alcohol hit harder when she got up to walk around. I see all of the other players focused on winning the race, and E is driving the wrong way against the flow of cars crashing her car into the other players.

Then I woke up.